Can I be real for a minute?

Been loving life Alhamdulillah. I feel like writing on this fine evening. But about what? What I enjoy, what cheeses me..? Okay. I just wanna get personal you know? I wanna share. :)

I honestly get so excited when I come across someone that is similiar to me. The excitement is unreal. Like a drug. Just can't get enough. Like I’ll just wanna know everything about them. See what else we can relate in. I feel so misunderstood at times. It's a breath of fresh air to have someone that gets you. I find myself trying to take the persona of others often just to mesh in, to belong. And that means cutting a lot of myself away, it’s like trying to make a star shaped cookie into a circle shaped cookie. It loses it’s real self just to belong with the other circle shaped cookies. But i’m weird man. I can’t be blending in all the time, i just feel so not myself. I gotta unleash. And I wanna be my real self. And writing helps me unfold.

I just feel so stuck sometimes. Like i just can’t think of anything i want to share. I noticed either i share too much or not at all. Why am I such a black and white kinda person. It’s weird. If I’m super inspired about something a friend tells me, I’m dying from happiness on the inside, jumping in my heart but my facial expression won't change too much. The deeper the topic, the more silent I become. While the other person thinks I’ve tapped out of the conversation, quite dissappointed in my lack of enthusiasm, lool I’ve only took things inward and thought about what they just shared and see if it relates to my life, internalising everything. I can be a conversation kill sometimes haha. I do apologize in advance. But for real tho. I am horrible at conversations you know? Like I just don’t communicate in that way. And the whole talking thing. I suck at that too. For real. I mean writing comes super easy to me probably cuz i suck at spoken convo lol.  Like i can talk of course but it comes out awkward lol. Have you heard my podcasts? I’m stumbling over my own words.  But I do tend to internalise a lot of my reactions.

Sometimes I can read a text and get so caught up in my own inner dialogue, discussing all the possible ways of responding, and all the possible reasons as to why they possibly sent me it, that I honestly feel like i already responded to a text. Weird I know. Then weeks later i realise. I didn’t respond at all.

This inner world can seem so real at times. Even when I dream, it feels so real I have to question reality. But then I remember i haven’t died yet so of course it’s not real ha. I love the dream world. Sometimes I get so excited about sleeping because I can’t wait to see what’s happens next. They’re quite vivid and at times, quite meaningful. It’s like a friend I’ve never had. I thought one night, if sleep was a person, i’d probably marry it haha. And then i took it further wondering. Imagine if sleep was a person and the only way to communicate with it was to go sleep LOL. K I’m done haha. But you get it.

I got so excited thinking about it that i literally just spilled my coffee on my sweater. Thank God nobody saw that. So embarrassing.

So i was saying. As quiet as i can be, I do like to interact sometimes you know? What annoys me is people on social media that check up on you always, watching your stories, snaps, what have you, but never actually talk to you, or like any of your posts. Why? Is this a museum? No, quite frankly I’m not a museum. Umm hello?

Well some probably tried to make convo and realised how horrible I am lol and how I don't respond at. But freakin like my posts, ask how I’m doing atleast? I mean what if i died? Wouldn’t you wanna know if I’m still alive? Still breathing :)

But the dms tho. That’s another thing.  I put up a no dms thing in my bio a few months ago, to keep a select few away. You know, the type that abuse their privileges, the ones that harass, the ones that can’t ‘No’ for an answer, the ones that send innapropriate things and just peope i don’t want to talk to in general. But somehow that means to them, ‘Dm me, do it' or maybe they feel that it doesn't apply to them. I mean heck, reading messages is fun sometimes. But don’t be expecting a reply you know? And don’t be getting mad when you don’t get a response.  I mean some guy when to the lengths of blocking me just because i wouldn't reply. Like was that his way of punishing me? Ha. Rediculous. LIke why? If i don’t wanna talk to you, I don’t wanna talk to you. It’s very simple.

But for real tho. I do have intense love for those that are in my life. My God, sometimes I wonder what did I do to deserve these sweethearts. I pray for them always. It’s weird how I will probably barely talk with you in my everyday life, but man, if you know how much i prayed for you, how much i thought of you. Daily. I mean, of course, it’s because you’re in my heart, and whatever is in the heart is professed by the limbs and tongue. It's actually kinda crazy how much i can find myself loving someone. I can love you like you're the only person in the world haha <3 For me i think the way I show love is mostly through words and action. And that is the way I like to receive love. Through words. Honest truth. Like if you left me alone for days on end but you still managed to get the message across to me that you are thinking of me, I’d be happy. Cuz i kinda wanna be left alone most of the time anyways. Need my space. Love my space. :D

Speaking of space. I really appreciate and need more of that in my life. Solitude is soul time, time to be left to my thoughts, to get things done. As much as I love people, they take a lot from me I've noticed. You gotta be listening to all their crazy stories, maintain focussed attention. It gets tiring you know? I do l ove people. But I love me too. Maybe me a little more. I gotta recharge. And parties, and get togethers, man, I feel so drained after them. If I had a fully charged battery when I entered the party, more than half would be gone when I’d be leaving, maybe even more. And I can’t stand wedding parties. I’m telling you, when I get married iA, the party is gonna be in my backyard, small scale. Nice and simple. And short. None of this whole party till past midnight thing. Man, i got dreams to catch up on. :D

Anyways that's all for now. Until then stay blessed x


Now It's your turn to be real.

What are things that you enjoy, the things that cheese you. Share with me.

tw: www.twitter.com/fardawsayusuf
IG: www.instagram.com/fardawsayusuf
Fb: www.facebook.com/fardawsayusufmohamed