Authenticity

Hamdulillah for a thing called blogger. You know sometimes I feel there's so much inside of me that I need to vent it all out. I dont think I can go a day without sharing my thoughts on something I just cant. I dont know how some people manage to keep it all inside...I have a sister whose very introverted and whose got alot of great  insights. But she rarely speaks on them unless asked or from a spur of the moment and I asked her, how do you do it. How do yo manage to keep everything inside...?

And then she gives me her reasons. One of them being judgement. Her fear of being judged or having her thoughts misjudged and that reason totally didnt enter my mind. And I thought, do I fear it too? And I realized. That yes. I do.

Sometimes, when I share my feelings to a certain audience I fear I will be judged..So I find another channel. Its strange. Like if a group of people already have an idea of who you are it would be strange if you decided to also show them this other side to you... I dont know if they'd be ready haha.

I noticed I dont really open up entirely to people. Even my own family. Im second eldest. So there's responsibilities there. I cant just bring out the irresponsible crazy side of me...cuz then I'd be a terrible influence haha. A very terrible influence. Especially when you know your every act is being watched and there a siblings who look to you as a role model.

And even when it comes to like business and profession. If your known to be some kind of a teacher and people look to you for whatever they look to you for you cant really show them the child like impulsive person you may be. And you cant always have a friendship relationship with your students..as much as you want to. And even if you do treat them like friends, you still have this image to uphold. You cant just let loose haha.

I dont know if I've ever shown my entire self to someone before. And its something I wish I could do without being judged..As open and expressive as I seem to be Im still holding tons back. But even if I did I would probably find myself comparing myself to others and thinking that maybe I shouldnt be like this.

I noticed a problem. And its that I'm always judging myself on the standards of other people and forgetting that everyone is unique and that everyone shouldnt be the same. Yet I sometimes find myself trying to imitate others and being self concious when Im normally not.

Do you think that when you fall in love with someone you begin to become more selfconscious and unsure of yourself. As if all the confidence you once had begins to fade and you begin to question and doubt almost every move you make. And you begin to over analyze and notice the things others wouldnt even pay the slightest attention to. Why? Why do these things have to happen. Cant you just love someone without losing your love for your self..? But it turns into a rollercoaster and now your comparing yourself to them and at the same time wanting to immitate what they do. We usually immitate the people we admire.

But if that happens dont we begin to lose our sense of self... That part of us that was once so desirable..? We seen in them qualities that were a little different than us, maybe qualities we've always wished for ourselves. Thats what made them distinct. But they if they change their ways dropping their authenticity, how could things go from there? I wish we could love without losing ourselves. But it happens. We become a chameleon and become camaflouge.

Strange. Me, I love confidence. To be confident and to see confidence in others. And thats very attractive. But a person that becomes smitten loses that confidence and insecurities surface, doubts, and everything else thats not so appealing.

I honestly dont know what the solution is. And I dont even know how I got here. I just wanted to say Alhamdulillah for blogger, a place I can share my feelings without feeling insecure about sharing. I just wanted to say that its hard for me to open entirely to people because of their unnaccepting and  questioninng ways. I just wanted to say that at times I wish I didnt have to always share my thoughts and just wish I could keep them to myself. But if I did that would I  be losing my sense of self, by trying imitate the ways of others?

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