On Good Parenting and Leaving a Legacy

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

  Perhaps, it can be the du'aa of one’s parents for his child that take a great affect on his future. We’ve heard countless stories about how a persons life is changed through the du'aa of their parents good or bad. We know the story of the righteous man who was visited by a prostitute and was tempted with her allure, and although he declined, it was his mother who made the du'aa that he be visited by a prostitute out of her impatience when she called him to her service, but he had been busy in nafil salaah. We know the story of the two orphans whose treasure was protected until they matured perhaps  because of the duaa of their righteous parent or granparents.

  Good parenthood is essential for a healthy nation. One of the rights of the child is to for the father to choose a righteous woman to marry to mother his children

He, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, praised a woman with good religious qualities, saying: "Shall I not inform you of the best treasure a man gathers-- A righteous wife."

--Al-Haakim.

And he said: "Choose for your seeds (a good mother), for indeed breeding is a strategy."

 --Ibn Maajah.

  In most cases, the majority of the child’s upbringing in the early years is spent with the mother. She is the baby’s first school, first educator, first in showing the world to her child as the baby goes where ever the mother goes, eats with her, sleeps with her etc. Manners are slowly developed through her. The child mimics his role model, when he prays, he attempt to pray. THe child adopts the mannerism of his mother. And everything is recorded subconsciously. His personality is build through her and his experience of the world. Whatever she approves of, the child will do its best to emulate and whatever she disapproves of the child will refrain. Every child is on the fitrah when they are born but they adopt whatever the parents wish them to adopt.

Prophet (s) said, "Each child is born in a state of "Fitrah", then his parents make him a Jew, Christian or a Zoroastrian, the way an animal gives birth to a normal offspring. Have you noticed any that were born mutilated?"

( Al-Bukhari and Muslim).

  It is important for the parents to build the child’s character when he is still young, when they are still emotionally dependant on the parents for validation and emotional support.  As children we wish to please our parents. But eventually that phase shifts to another object of interest. But in these fresh moldable years a parent must take full advantage to his best to demonstrate a good image of noble character for his child.

   Naturally, when a child does a good thing, he will look to the parents for validation and feedback, Enthusiasm must be reciprocated.  He cannot be ignored. His good action must be rewarded if the parents wish to build in him the love to do more good actions. Similar to operant conditioning used to strengthen or diminish certain behaviors. When the child is still young parents must strengthen good behaviors with positive reinforcement. Rewarding them with hugs and kisses and acknowledgement when they’ve done something good. And not rewarding them when they’ve done something wrong. This is to help them differentiate the difference between good and bad. Punishment should be avoided in such young ages because the child may still not know the difference between right and wrong and this can also build a sense of unecessary guilt and shame in a child that may stunt his emotional growth. In the young years when the child self esteem is still fragile, it should be build with words of affirmation, acceptance, love and mercy.

    Abu Hurayrah narrated that the Messenger of Allah, salallahu ‘alaihi wa salam, kissed Al-Hasan while Al-Aqra ibn Haabis at-Tameemee was sitting near him.  A-Aqra said,

“Indeed I have ten children and I have never kissed any of them.”  The Messenger of Allah looked at him and said,  “Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.”  

(Al-Bukhari)

    Attention should be shown the young ones, ample attention, since their sense of self worth depends on parents. One must know that if the child grows with a sense of low self worth, they will be more vulnerable when they grow up to negative peer pressure because what they will want is love and acceptance, and if that means doing bad things to fit in, they’ll probably do it to fit in. Build a childs self esteem so that they will be confident to always to the right thing, even if the world is against them. Build their self esteem so they can be independant and strong enough not to seek approval from others.

  Showing one’s child that they are worthy of love whether they’ve done something good or bad is very important. Love towards the child should always be there. What you will see a lot nowadays is controlling parents who will only show love  and attention to their child if they’ve done something good or something worthy of recognition. And this kind of parenthood may produce insincere children who may only do good things just to please their parents and others.

 

   However, our aim, as muslims parents is to leave a nation of people who confidently believe in La ilaaha illallah, our aim is to have our children to be a sincere muslim who do things for the sake of Allah, not for the for the sake of people. We must use positive and negative reinforcement to teach our child when they are young the difference between right and wrong and guide them to the right way. If they grow up and choose another path, even though we’ve taught them well when they were young, it is not your fault. You’re responsibility was to guide them to the way. And even if they turn away, we don’t disown our children. Our job is not to control our children. But to be a reminder of the right way. To pass on the message of Islam for them and their future generations.

Allah says,

فَإِنْ أَعْرَضُوا فَمَا أَرْسَلْنَاكَ عَلَيْهِمْ حَفِيظًا إِنْ عَلَيْكَ إِلَّا الْبَلَاغُ

‘’Then if they turn away, then not We have sent you over them (as) a guardian. Not (is) on you except the conveyance.’’

(Qur’an 42:48)

Allah says,

إِنَّكَ لَا تَهْدِي مَنْ أَحْبَبْتَ وَلَكِنَّ اللَّهَ يَهْدِي مَن يَشَاء وَهُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِالْمُهْتَدِينَ

‘’You cannot guide the ones you love. GOD is the only One who guides in accordance with His will, and in accordance with His knowledge of those who deserve the guidance.’’

(Qur’an 28:56)

  And Allah knows all the good we do. May Allah reward all the parents who show their children the light and guide them to Islam, and may Allah guide all of us and keep us on the straight path. Ameen.